White Noise

I recorded this audio this weekend. It sounds kind of like TV static, doesn’t it? It’s certainly a nothing kind of sound thats at the same time maybe something more.

Well, this weekend I went camping in a place called Coulson’s Gulch about an hour North West of Boulder, Colorado.

Its not a particularly difficult hike- in fact the powers at the U.S. Department of Agriculture rate it an “easy to moderate" hike- but it sure kicked my ass being 7,000 feet up  when I spend all of my time at sea level NOT carrying 50 pounds of bullshit on my back.

But “easy” or not, a hike it was, and it took a bit more than two hours to get from the road we parked on down to the bottom land where the camping was good.

imagePictured: Austin, Texas municipal worker, Chris Anderson.

The way in was mostly down hill and there was a great big field about midway down. It was a crossroads where you could continue on, or take Button Rock Trail into a no camping valley. We saw some people on horses there on the way back and fantasized about giving them 40 bucks to haul our packs up- but they were rich people. What would rich people do with 40 dollars? About as much as we could with it out there I suppose- but maybe they’d come out half a rich breakfast ahead in town.

Anyhow. We hiked down a couple of really nice, but somewhat strenuous hours until it got flat. Bottom land. The good stuff. We’d left a little early and we hadn’t really seen anyone, so we thought maybe we were the only people there. But the thing about bottom land- if you hang around long enough you’ll run into someone who came first.

imageScott Luis, our guide and hero friend pictured on bottom land wearing his H.S. graduation shirt.

As we looked around for a good camp site, we saw the evidence: cinder blocks, fence posts, steel pipes, even a concrete slab. A hell of a lot of people came before us, including two big groups of campers who snapped up an okay spot near an island, and the king shit nicest spot on the creek.

But hell, whats that matter? We were still a few hard-hike (well, easy/moderate) miles away from any kind of navigable road, we were still relatively alone out there- 15 or so smattered campers aside- and things were pretty real.

imagePictured: Real shit. Only Chris’ toad slow reflexes saved him from hopping right on this guy. Seriously. It rattled at us. Twice.

But we picked a fine site- 50 yards from that fucking snake- but a fine site where all the cougars and bears in the gulch could find us if they cared to look.

image

Pictured: Rocks, trees, tent, do the math.

Thanks to the hazy foresight of our guide, we got down there with no effective water filter and two pot-heats worth of propane. No water filter meant we had to start boiling all of our water for 10 minutes- which sucks a hell of a lot more when you run out of propane.

But in time we learned to use the fire, and we learned many tricks beyond filling our water bottles.

imagePictured: Nathan’s bun length all beef dogs, Ranch Style Beans & Wolf Brand Chili mixed, canteen tin of coffee.

Yes, though we nearly went without clean water, we didn’t hardly come close to starving. We ate every few hours on the seemingly endless food we brought.

image

Pictured: Scott Luis in a tie dyed shirt and Kasey McCabe overseeing her wonderful hot dog, cheese, croissant on a stick meal idea.

We kept the perishables fresh in the 50 degree snow melt creek that hauled ass just off our campsite. It was way too cold to do more than step in for a minute and wash your face, but a few cinder blocks in the water made a mighty fine camp fridge- though the attrition rate on cheap plastic packages was pretty high.

By my count we lost two half-packs of salami, three knuckles-worth of high quality waxed cheddar cheese, and four primo breakfast burritos to that fucking creek. We nearly lost a couple of boiled eggs, but we salted the shit out of them and ate them anyway.

As an aside, we also lost two hot dog buns and some parts of a loaf of bread, though the culprit in that fiasco was a small animal smart enough to get to our hanging bread sack, but dumb enough to leave most of it behind. Possibly a fat, stupid raccoon.

But that creek, even for all its faults, it was amazing.

imagePictured: my feet and clothes.

We slept like rocks. Like champion rocks. We slept 10+ hours the first night- no air mattresses or anything- good sleeping bags, but hard ass ground. Every time I would wake up, the creek would remind me to bundle up tight and hurry me back to sleep.

When I woke up in the dark to piss, it hurried me in a different way, but still all above-board natural creek hurrying.

So yeah, you might have guessed by now that the point of all this rambling is to wrap this story back to that clearly labeled audio clip and talk about that creek.

You see, I live on Flatbush Avenue in Brooklyn, and every manner of loud fucking vehicle uses it to haul its ass here or there- stupid van taxis with crazy fucking horns that are supposed to cue people to something that I don’t understand, dump trucks smash trash just outside my window, loud fucking ambulances from an old people hospital nearby, fire trucks- well actually, no fire trucks I can recall use this road? weird of them- but certainly fucking ambulances and bull-dick cops and shit heads who haven’t discovered mass transit or buddhism who fucking lay on their horns at the first sign of trouble, I’m just saying, its FUCKING LOUD city vomit right outside my window.

But that creek. It was loud in just the right way.

It kept us moist (its dry up there!), it kept us watered, it kept us fed, it kept us clean(er than we would have been), and it kept us asleep longer than we needed.

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Pictured: Creek through tent window.

Thats her. And maybe now that audio clip that you maybe played earlier will sound a little different to you when I tell you that I recorded it right through that very window. It sure does to me.

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Pictured: A ding dong at golden hour.

If it still sounds like white noise to you, well then shit, who knows, you weren’t there and maybe you’re not supposed to get it. Or maybe the magic of prose, at least by my hand, has no effect on your imagination.

But there is a scene in that Kevin Klein movie French Kiss where this works for Meg Ryan with wine, so maybe watch that, see how it works,  then re-read this and try it again?

Ok, if that didn’t work and you really still want to play along and you need spoonfeed help, watch this video, idiot.

posted 10 months ago /
 
Julie got us some tickets to a Cincinnati game at MSG and these fucking dudes behind her are using earpiece book lights and not even watching the game- I think the far guy is reading princess Diana’s biography or something. And the close one has his shoes off and feet hanging over the seat in front of him.

Sports are terrible.

Julie got us some tickets to a Cincinnati game at MSG and these fucking dudes behind her are using earpiece book lights and not even watching the game- I think the far guy is reading princess Diana’s biography or something. And the close one has his shoes off and feet hanging over the seat in front of him.

Sports are terrible.

posted 3 years ago /
 

Jerky Follow-up

Jerky success!

This stuff came out EXACTLY like I wanted it too- though I did use too much pepper and too much worcestershire sauce.

Batch 2 just went in with some slight improvements to the infrastructure.

Yardsticks only cost like 67 cents!

And here is the little vent that keeps my room from smelling like bold sauces and meat.

If anybody sees and lean cuts like roast or london broil on sale, LET ME KNOW. I paid 7 bucks a pound for this stuff, and jerky loses three quarters of its original weight, which means i paid 20 bucks for .75 pounds of jerky.

Come to think of it- its just about exactly the same price for my favorite jerky of all made by Robertson’s Hams somewhere in the dusty plains of Oklahoma.

Though there is something to be said for paying a little extra to be sure you wont contract food poisoning.

posted 3 years ago /
 
I’m loosely following Alton brown’s jerky making method- and yes I cleaned that fan.

If things go well, I’ll be eating a hell of a lot more beef.

I’m loosely following Alton brown’s jerky making method- and yes I cleaned that fan.

If things go well, I’ll be eating a hell of a lot more beef.

posted 3 years ago /
 
 

Return?

Hello again!

I leave facebook open for work, and i literally look at this Ad all day. Someone is paying crazy money for this thing to just hang out on the right of my facebook for WEEKS now.

I’ve clicked it twice, both times it asks for my email and zip code and shit to make me an account (like groupon) and the last thing I want to do is sign up for a Brooklyn bucket list.

But the first thing I want to do, and the reason I’ve clicked it twice, is to check out this girls pale bikini boobs in a little higher resolution than 20x25. She looks like she could be super attractive, but I’ll never know…

I also suspect that chimpanzee looks hilarious doing whatever he is doing to her bikini bottom, but again, I’ll probably never know.

Fuck you internet marketing.

posted 3 years ago /
 

The first of many BROODSKETCH.

posted 3 years ago /
tags: sketch, video comedy office weekend
 
weclassy:

well that’s embarrassing.

HAhahahaha BROOD!

weclassy:

well that’s embarrassing.

HAhahahaha BROOD!

posted 3 years ago via weclassy /
 

This video is the most phenomenal thing I’ve ever seen or heard.

Of course they don’t have some slick announcer talking over it, these babies speak for themselves.

Do yourself a favor and at least stick around for the duck.

posted 3 years ago /
 
 

the brood

I’m in love with seven people (myself included) and we just filmed our first Broodsketch. I decided to make a group pic from a video still to pump my self up a little before I started editing, and I made this.

I sent it to the group, Laura put it on facebook, then I decided to upload it here to my tumblr since I haven’t posted on here in months.

Then as I was writing the line “I’m in love with seven people” I found myself counting the people in the picture. 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6. Six people. That must be wrong let me count again. 1 - 2 - 3 - 4 - 5 - 6 …


EVAN!

He wasn’t in this shot.

So then I did the only reasonable thing, I photoshopped him in.

Nobody can tell, right?

posted 3 years ago /
 

chinese ladies

Alright, so I shouldn’t have to preface this, but I will for the benifit of those who don’t know me but still are reading this:

I am not racist and I am not a cultural anthropologist.

Though I admit that I am desperate to post something.

Full Subway CarComing from Texas, I was once accustomed to drive everywhere since in most neighborhoods, nothing is within walking distance. Not having to drive here in New York has been really amazing. And even though subways suck for a lot of reasons, they are amazing for way more.

They run 24 hours, they run all over town, you can read or stare at women or catch up on work during your commute plus they are pretty affordable.

But you have to make some concessions for all these luxuries. You have to ride with other people.

One of the most interesting groups of people that I get to share the subway with are Asian women. The older and the more “old country” the better.

As far as I can tell, Asian women are the most aggressive seat grabbers in the history of limited seating. I would challenge children of any age to win a game of musical chairs with an Asian lady, even one of very advanced years. They would have no chance.

I am assuming its some kind of cultural deal having to do with limited space or resources growing up, but its just speculation, whatever, I don’t pretend to know what I am talking about, but I have a pretty fair speculative idea of where these ladies are coming from.

I mean, we’ve all seen the videos of how they do trains over there in Asia:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r8FQsg12hoY

And beyond cramming in during rush hour and beyond grabbing open seats, which I admit makes riding in a crowded car way more comfortable, those ladies make plays for the BEST seat possible, often hopping from seat to seat to seat as they open up.

And yeah, white women, black men, EVERYONE wants a good seat on the subway, I will sometimes get up from a crowded bench and move over to an empty one. But trust me guys, living right near a very Asian neighborhood on lines that stop deep in the heart of Chinatown, I get to see these ladies at work almost every day. I concluded a very long time ago that they are the best at what they do, and the worst to be in a subway car with.

BUT, this isn’t just a diatribe on generalities, this happened right in front of me this morning.

As the N train approached my stop this morning, a 60 year old Asian woman slowly whizzed right past me doing the weird traditional Asian woman walk/run thing where she was “running” but moving slower than anyone’s regular walk. She would only lift each foot about four inches, then move it forward one inch per step. It was like she had a short string tied to her ankles.

So she was chugging along, trying to pace the slowing train in an attempt to catch up with a car she spotted that looked less full than every other completely full morning train car.

When the train stopped and the doors opened, she didn’t try to enter a car, she kept going, dodging the people streaming out of the doors until some 30 something dude who had some kind of tribal shit on his t-shirt, a leather jacket and a shaved head stepped out of the subway car and she ran right into him.

It was pretty amazing to see. It was like watching a turtle running into a rock, or a swimming dog running into a stump. She just kept moving her feet up and down trying to plow through him, but with absolutely no force behind it.

It totally confused this guy that an elderly woman would be plowing right into him. He just kind of stopped walking, raised his arms up clearly frustrated at whatever that fucking woman was doing on him, then he forcefully brushed her to the side, and shouted “What the FUCK!”

The lady didn’t stop or apologize or anything, she just kept on going, probably as thankful as an uprighted turtle or a dog brought to shore.

She did glance back after about 10 feet, but offered no apologies.

All the damn cars were full, lady.

posted 4 years ago /
tags: asian ladies subway New York Texas crowded